Did you know that Elmer Fudd’s wife was a Scottish prostitute? Selma was her name. Elmer met her when he was filming a failed hunting show in the Scottish highlands show and she had been employed to give the cast and crew de-stressing blow jobs. In those days she went by the name HJ Helga. No one knows what her real name was. Elmer took a real shine to Selma because truth be told, he loved a blow job. As time went on, the two of them would rarely be seen apart. The show was particularly stress full for Elmer because despite having a wide array of animals to hunt in Scotland, he just didn’t seem to be able to hit any.
The day came where the producers had finally had enough of the shambolic hunting show and they went off to a local farm and bought themselves a huge Aberdeen Angus cow. The cow was nearing the end of its life and didn’t really move much anymore. They figured that Elmer could just walk up to it and shoot it between the horns. Long story short, he approached the cow on his tip toes from behind it. He lifted up his gun. This was it, he was going to finally shoot something. He aimed and muttered something under his breath. The crew fell silent and then the shot went off. Elmer missed. He had the gun the wrong way round and shot himself in the face. Covered in black suit, he looked at the crew, shaked his head and walked off stage to find HJ Helga.
In Elmer’s trailer he was shooting a load onto Helga’s tits when it came to him. He was a terrible hunter but maybe he could be a world class pimp. He decided that he was going to marry Helga and have her name changed to Selma and from there he could market her around Scotland and make a shit ton of cash.
2 months later, Elmer and his new wife opened several massage parlours around Edinburgh and he put the bitch to work. Everyone he spoke to loved that her name was Selma Fudd and soon she became the best known hooker in the country. Her name drew them in and her experience and overall keenness kept them coming back. The two of them started earning decent money and it wasn’t long before Selma’s tastes changed from Cider to £10 bottles of wine and shopping trips to Debenhams.
For a long time things were good. Then the day came that immigration came knocking and they found that Elmer didn’t have a visa and had been staying in the country illegally. He would have to leave with immediate affect. Of course he was upset at having to give up a lucrative business but he couldn’t complain. He had made a good pile of cash and maybe it the time was right for him and Selma to try and break the states, the way that a young girl or boy band might.
The pair moved to the USA and bought a property in Colorado. Once again he put Selma to work. There was a problem though. No one in the states got the joke. Selma Fudd was just a name out there and soon she became just another aging prostitute, who, don’t get me wrong, knew how to treat a man, but she was naturally starting to look like a lady who had been treated with Botox i.e. fucking terrible.
By this point, Selma was starting to cost Elmer money. Now that she had tasted the slightly better things in life, there was no way she was going back to shopping in charity shops and drinking cheap cider. Tensions between the two of them began to flair up into full scale battles. Elmer decided that this couldn’t go on for much longer so he decided to have his wife ‘taken care of’. Over the years he had amassed a huge number of contacts in a range of industries. He trawled through his address book to find someone who could do the job. He needed it taken care of by a professional but at the same time, Elmer was a tight ass and didn’t want to pay top dollar. As he flicked through that address book all of a sudden one name jumped out:
The Wylie Coyote
After years and years of chasing the Road Runner and failing every fucking time, the Wylie Coyote’s confidence was in the toilet. He had long since given up the dream of catching that bird but that period of his life had scarred him badly. All he wanted to do was forget about Road Runner and get on with his life but it is never that simple. For a long time that was his life. He’d rarely sleep longer than a couple of hours a night when he was in pursuit of Road Runner and all he would think about was where he could buy acme paint to paint fake tunnels and acme bombs to blow the fucker up. Now that he had stopped that, he still struggled to get the whole infatuation out of his head. He would close his eyes and all he would hear is meep meep. Meep meep. Meep meep. Meep meep. So in the end he had moved to New York where there is always the sound of traffic horns and he used that and cocaine to drown out his past.
Elmer found him wondering around Washington square park. He was looking thin and twitchy and it took the coyote a couple of seconds to figure out who was speaking to him. After a warm embrace, Elmer took the coyote for lunch and a drink and he discussed his plan for getting rid of Selma. At first the coyote was reluctant as he didn’t think he could do it. His confidence after years of failure was low and all he wanted to do was forget about all that chasing and hunting stuff until he was dead. Elmer convinced him though that Selma was no road runner. She wasn’t fast and she certainly wasn’t as clever as the bird. Elmer offered him $1000 cash, flights plus transfers to Colorado and 4 grams of cocaine right there and then. The coyote did a couple of lines of the coke and eventually agreed.
The next day the Coyote flew out to Colorado. He had been awake for 28 hours prior to meeting Elmer in Washington Square Park and hadn’t slept since. The whole time, he was in a sort of trance and his head and body felt numb. One thing he did find was that he wasn’t hearing the meep meep as often as before and the idea reached him that maybe this kind of work was a way of pushing the past to one side. He arrived in Colorado and checked into a Motel where there were at least 3 other hit men staying that night.
The Coyote dumped his bags and went on a scouting mission around the local hills. He didn’t know how he was going to do it and was open to options. He shut his eyes and pointed his head towards the sky. When he opened his eyes he saw the highest cliff in the region. This was where it was going to happen. He would arrange to meet Selma in the exact spot that he was standing and he would be at the very top of the cliff. When she arrived his plan was to simply drop a huge boulder on her head. It was a plan he had tried a million times before but as Elmer said, Selma wasn’t nearly as quick or smart as the Road Runner.
The Coyote went back to his Motel, grabbed a drink from the bar and made the call to Selma. He couldn’t really understand her accent but he made it clear where and when he wanted to meet her for sex. After a short conversation, she repeated back the meeting place and time and said she would see him the there and then.
The next day came and Selma showed up on time. As her work had dried up and even Elmer wouldn’t take head from her anymore, she was quite looking forward to getting back in the saddle. She did her lip stick again and squirted have a tube of ky jelly up her twat in preparation.
At the top of the cliff, the Wylie Coyote stood there with a pair of binoculars and spotted her arriving. She was standing in exactly the right spot as he began to push the boulder towards the edge of the cliff. He was obviously out of practice and he found the boulder to be really heavy. Despite this though he managed to move it closer and closer. He used his hands to push and then he used his back. Finally it was at the tipping point and just needed a small nudge. He checked his binoculars again and she was still there. He felt good and he pushed it over the edge with his little finger and he smiled to himself as it made the whistling noise towards Selma Fudd.
As the shadow around Selma grew in size she looked up and realised that this was it. She was going to be crushed by a giant boulder. She accepted her fate and closed her eyes.
Just at that point Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudds arch enemy, dived from nowhere and pushed Selma out of the way of the boulder. They lay there on the ground and she was so happy to be alive. She kissed Bugs over an over again screaming
I am alive, thank you than you thank you.
Meanwhile the coyote looked down with his binoculars and he cried. All the penned up emotion came streaming out of him. He took the remaining cocaine from his pocket – almost 2 grams – and snorted the whole lot. He died of an overdose 8 minutes after the boulder hit the ground.
Selma and Bugs became very close and they moved to Hollywood. The two were married not long after that and using Selma’s new name, Selma Bunny, they opened a pet shop that specifically sold rabbits. This may sound like a happy ending but if you consider that bugs was selling his own kind to people, then you will realise that he was no better than a slave trader.
Elmer was furious at the whole situation, especially because Bugs once again got one up on him. To this day, he plots his revenge.by